VOLUME 7 CHAPTER 4
Notable courtesans. • My amorous sexual habits and care. • A Paphian’s ball. • Mixed female aromas. • Liz M***d*n at B****t*n S****e. • Nelly ****, and Captain Blank. • The Captain’s caprice. • Four in the dark. • In the Captain’s leavings. • Three in a bed. • The next day and night. • Amorous tricks. • The Paphian bedfellows described. • Bertha visited. • The Glover’s shop at Paris. • Dinner with Bertha. • At the Argyle. • In the cab. • An unfortunate maid of all work. • Bertha dines with me again. • Vanquished. • A story broken off.
In the intervals of poking Madeline, I of course had many gay women. I changed my women often and had settled to no one of them as a regular, since Amelia German disappeared. I longed for one woman whom I could like better than the others, and go to when tired of strangers, but had no intention of keeping to one alone. — Fidelity to one woman, I am convinced now, is impossible from me.
Having had my game with cheap women, I went to the opposite extreme and had the dearest. Those who said, “I never take less than a fiver,” and were not satisfied with that, caught me. I had half a dozen well known courtesans. Baby J***s*n was one. — A dark, fine built woman of about thirty, called Kate H*m**t*n, tho not the ancient baudy house keeper, was another. — Sk*t**s took a fancy to me, but her foul tongue shocked me. I had a thin and lovely lady with exquisite eyes, since married to one of the rich ones of the land (and still alive and living in a square, and who shall be therefore nameless.)
I slept out more than at home for a couple of months, and then found my man also slept out, reckoning upon my absence. — This change of women was lovely, the variety in cunt, and style of fucking, an endless pleasure both to mind and body. — I rested from my amours at intervals, never took cock stimulants, but revived myself by repose alone, when my doodle and body gave signs of fatigue; but, excepting at intervals of fierce rutting, I did not overtax my body. — Two spends a night were usually my exercise, unless the lady longed for more (and they often times did with me), and then I fucked till my sperm ran thin and short, and I rested longer afterwards.
These swell Paphians gave dances among their set, hiring rooms for the purpose, making the balls strictly private to avoid interference of the police, and not fly in the face of the Law. A dance of that sort was given by a woman whom I knew. She hired well known rooms in G***t P***l**d St. for the purpose. There were men and women together, about eighty of us. The men paid for the suppers, and each paid also for a lady, and the pay was such that it left a margin, which enabled the hostess to pay for the rooms and band. — The men were all in evening clothes, the women beautifully dressed, and décolleté, and were such an exquisite set of young creatures as I have never yet seen elsewhere. —No introductions were needed, any man asked any woman to dance, altho, to avoid jealousy, that needed some discretion; and the women did not hesitate to ask men to dance with them. Every thing in fact was free and easy, but not immodest, until after supper, when it got more than free and easy.
Then the dancing became romping, and concupiscence asserted itself. I expect there was not a prick in the room which was not swollen and whitening with lust, nor a cunt which was not moist with randiness. — As I danced with one woman, the aroma from her naked bosom and armpits quite enervated me. — I swear that, struggling up through her clothes and mixing with her other exhalations, was a smell of cunt in lust. I felt almost a voluptuous faintness come over me as I inhaled it, and told her of it. “Don’t you like it?” said she, holding me tightly as we twirled round in a waltz. Suggestive talk was now the order of the night, baudy words escaped, the men kissed the women’s shoulders as they waltzed, one or two couples danced polkas with their bellies jogging against each other, suggestive of fucking. —Then a fair lady quarrelled with a man, and broke out, — “I’m buggered if I let you fuck me tonight.” — Whereupon the lights were lowered and the party broke up, for fear the ball would degenerate into a riot. The patroness was wise.
About half past three in the morning, I went home with Lizzie M***d*n to her house in B****t*n Square. A house she had to herself, for she was a swell, and partially kept by * * * * *, who thought, I believe, that he kept her entirely. — A lady of easy virtue, a friend of hers, who lived some long distance off and who was going home with a Captain * * * * she offered a bedroom to for the night, for the Captain was compelled to be at parade at * * * * Barracks early in the morning. We went home in separate conveyances, I in Lizzie’s brougham. I had of course seen the other woman in the room, and the Captain also, but neither knew him or the woman, or who had come there for the night. — It was only on the road home that Lizzie told me what she had done.
Lizzie was a sweet, dark haired creature of about three and twenty. She had a short neck which rose out of most exquisite shoulders and breasts, had a pretty fat cunt, small waist, and big backside. A peculiar feature in her was the thickness of her head hair, as well as her eye brows, which were dark, and the broadest and thickest I ever saw in a woman. The same may be said of her armpits and cunt, tho in both places the hair was not long. Her cunt felt like a brush. She was a lewed devil, and on one or two occasions when I had slept with her before, fucked me well out before the morning. She undressed quickly, as did I, and kept saying, “My God how I want a fuck,” and — “I wonder if Nellie * * * * and the Captain have fucked yet. — He’s got a stunning prick, she says.” — Talking and laughing thus baudily, she got on the bed, and I standing by the side was kissing her cunt, with her thighs wide open, and with my prick as stiff as need be, when knock knock. — “Lizzie, I want to speak to you.”
Out got Lizzie, went for a minute outside the door, and came in laughing loudly as was the other woman. “Captain Blank wants to fuck me. — Come in, Nellie,” and in came a pretty little creature about nineteen years old, with her chemise dropping off her shoulders and showing lovely breasts, and laughing like mad. We were all three indeed elevated enough. — “He be damned, that he shan’t,” said I. — “Oh — do let me go, he says he’ll give me five quid.” — I said that I would leave the house at once if she did, but getting softened, and desiring to please her, and the idea making me still more lewed, said I would fuck her first and then she might go, and I showed my stiff prick to the women.
—Nellie laughed. — “No, no, he wants her directly, and before she’s had you or not at all.” — “Then he won’t.” — Lizzie was vexed. “You have Nellie while I’m with him, you’ll let him Nellie” — Nellie would, and for a second I felt as if I would comply — but, “No, he’ll keep you all night, and
I’ll see him damned first. — Let him fuck you in here and I’ll see him.” — Both women roared with laughter at the suggestion, which was a mere chance one, and which I didn’t for a minute think would be agreed to.
“Go and tell him, Nellie,” said Lizzie hastily. She did — I heard her and the man thro the open door, laughing, till she returned. — He would if the room was quite dark. — Then sprang up in me a lewed desire which had lain dormant some time, to see and feel a man fucking, to feel his standard. —But I didn’t wish to be seen nor known, so the idea of his fucking in the dark pleased me. “The room shall be quite dark, so that we can’t see each other, but I’ll feel his prick first.” — Out went the girl with the message. He must have been standing at the open door of his room, for as he had the message delivered, he shouted with laughter, like a bull. — “Yes — yes” — I heard him say, and Nellie came back to tell us, and then went to fetch the Captain.
“Fuck Nellie whilst he fucks me,” said Lizzie, as if she enjoyed the idea. — “There’s no room.” — “Yes if you get on the top of her.” — I refused, being engrossed with the idea of feeling his big prick. My blood was boiling with that desire, and impatiently I got into bed — Lizzie seemed thoughtful on a sudden, went to the door and shouted to Nellie to come back, and then, “Tell him I want my five quid first.” —Nellie went and in a few minutes brought the gold. During her absence I felt Lizzie’s cunt. — “Tell him to come in, and you put out the light, Nell.” “You must be quite naked, and he will be so as well,” he said. — Up sat Liz, and drew off her chemise — I threw off my shirt and cuddled her. — She felt my prick. — “Don’t now, wait for him.” Nellie then put out the gas, we were in total darkness, and she went off to fetch Captain Blank.
In a second, led in in the dark by Nellie, he was at the bed side. He was screwed, but knew what he was about, for he scarcely spoke, and then in a feigned, whispering voice. — He instantly put his hand to Liz’ cunt, and met mine there. I removed it quickly, and stretching across her naked belly, felt for his prick and grasped it. It seemed big, and was as stiff as a horn. How I longed to see it. In a second he was between Lizzie’s thighs, kneeling, then dropped down on her, and at once I felt the jog of her thighs and the oscillation of his rump, as he rammed up her like a steam engine.
Nellie just then in tilt dark came round to my side and said, “Let us do it” — and laid hold of my prick. — But I said, “No,” — for the couple fucking engrossed me. I felt him all over, then knelt up, and putting my hand between his thighs and under his balls, felt his prick as it moved up and down, I squeezed his balls gently and felt delighted. I don’t believe that he even knew that in his pleasure, which seemed to absorb him directly, his prick was in her.
Both indeed were too wrought up in lewedness for their pleasure to last long, or let me long enjoy libidinous amusement and curiosity. He soon sobbed out, “Cunt — fuck,” — and she, — “Oh — fuck me — spunk in me — oh — you beast — aha,” — all came jerking out of her mouth, mixing with his lewed ejaculations and murmurs. Then the gentle wriggles of his arse, as I felt them in the dark, told me all was over, whilst I still held his balls, and her naked thigh laid motionless against my knees.
Then I cried, with lustful desire which seized me suddenly. — “Come Nellie, get on the bed, let’s fuck.”
— “Shan’t then — come along Jack.” — Without a word, Jack got off and left the room with her, leaving me and Liz together. —Disappointed of Nellie. — “Liz
— wash dear, and let me fuck you.” — “Oh — I’m so sleepy I can’t get out. — Fuck me, it’s all right.” Saying that, she laid hold of me with one hand, pulled me to her and with the other laid hold of my rigid prick. — “Oh! it’s as big as his, fuck me.” — “Did you spend with him.” — “Yes, and want it again. Do it.”
— “I shan’t — wash.” — “I won’t, it’s cold, and I’ll frig you if you don’t.” — Nearly wild with lewedness, the next instant I was fucking in Jack’s sperm, and few seconds afterwards we were both asleep. She had spent with delight, her pleasure, from her ejaculations, I believe were increased by thinking about the state of her cunt. I thought of my prick being where Jack’s had just been, and not about his sperm being in her.
I awakened soon I think, she was snoring. Awakening her, we fucked again. Then I fell into the deep slumber which follows late hours, dancing, a good sup-per, plenty of wine, and fucking, that healthiest of exercises and sleep givers.
It was quite dark when we were awakened by heavy footsteps and loud voices; no servant was up. — “Who is that?” — shouted Lizzie. — “The Captain’s obliged to get to parade, I’m letting him out.” — The footsteps went down stairs, the street door banged, and then into our bedroom came Nellie in the dark. — Lizzie asked what the Captain had given her, and “Did he do you much?” — “No, he was screwed, and went to sleep directly he got into bed, after he’d had you. He only did me once, just before he left.” — “Come into bed,” said Lizzie. I joined in the request, and all three were soon in bed together, I in the middle.
I put out my hands and felt both cunts at once. — What a charming sensation to feel the palms of my hands full of crisp hair, and my middle fingers rubbing over two soft clitorises. — Nellie was fresh to me. — “I’ll fuck Nellie.” — Said Liz, — “Fuck away.” — Nellie declined, resenting my previous refusal. “Don’t be a fool Nell, let him, and let us go to sleep.” — Nellie opened her thighs, and the next minute we were fucking. — Her cunt felt moist as I pushed up her. — “Did you wash?” — “I hadn’t time, he only did me the minute before he went down stairs.” Twice I’d fucked after the Captain, and this time in innocence. The Captain’s sperm and mine had mixed in both their cunts. Then Lizzie turned her rump to me, my belly was to her rump, and Nellie’s belly to mine, and in a minute we were all in oblivion. It was a cold night, and the warmth of the two beauties was deliciously soothing.
It was some hours afterwards and day light before I awakened. The women were asleep. Turning on to my back I felt Nellie’s quim which roused her, and that awakened Liz. — “Get out and wash, both of you,” said I. — “Why?” — “I’ve been beast enough to fuck you both after Captain Blank.” — “What of that, it’s not the first time you’ve fucked after a man, tho perhaps without knowing it,” said Liz — We discoursed on the subject. Little Nellie, who had not been long out, listened whilst Liz, who with her six years’ experience, told a tale of three men once having had her one after the other, and each time she had only given her cunt a dry rub with the towel, and neither man discovered that sperm was still in her cunt when they fucked her. “It makes me lewed when I think of it,” said Liz grabbing my prick. — Nellie felt it as well, and for a minute we were silent. — Both women wanted fucking, Liz got out and pissed, Nelly followed suit, and I pissed after them.
We lighted gas, and both washed their cunts. We got into bed again, and I looked at both their carnal man traps. Then I fucked Nellie, feeling Liz’s cunt at the same time. She frigged herself. Then we got up and had breakfast.
The night’s fun pleased me. Liz wanted her little friend to go away, but I offered a dinner and to stop the next night. Nellie went to her home and came back. I took them both to dine, and we afterwards passed the evening at Liz’s playing cards and drinking champagne. They were both swell women. I made lascivious suggestions to them, which they were very indignant about seemingly. — It’s the sham way with some of the upper class courtesans. — But a woman’s a woman, most of them like lasciviousness and delight in a baudy novelty. Before the evening was over, they’d both pissed over my hand, I’d frigged Liz, and she had frigged Nellie. We went to bed together, and I fucked Liz. When I awakened again, Nell I found had gone to the other room. I went to her there. She said she couldn’t sleep three in the bed, for every movement awakened her. I fucked her, fell asleep, and was awakened in the morning by Liz, who had sought me. She was very ill tempered about my behaviour, and jealous, but got over it when I fucked her again. It was a very pleasant two nights and a very expensive one.
I several times had Liz afterwards, and we always talked about Captain Blank’s letch, his big prick, and my poking twice in his sperm. — Liz said she liked the second fuck with her cunt full of it, but begged me not to tell any of the harlots whom we both knew. — I told her about Gertrude, who had been fucked by the soldiers twelve times. It was then quite fresh in my mind, for I had not long parted with Gertrude for ever. — Liz professed to believe it, after saying for a long time that she did not, but I doubt whether she really to the last did believe me quite. Gay women tell such lies themselves that they distrust others largely. She used to say that I made up the story to excite her, and it had that effect certainly. “Put it into me,” — was soon said, whenever we talked about Gertrude.
Tho Captain Blank was at the ball, and of course I must have seen him, yet I did not know him from others, and tho he had been in the same room with me, and I’d felt his prick, I could not the next minute have picked him out from other men. Liz M***d*n was as said a fine, fattish made woman, with a handsome fat and full lipped cunt. I think she’d had a child, and her nymphae were perhaps too large. She was up to every lascivious trick when she got lewed, and until then assumed dignity and modesty. — When she’d had a drop, she talked baudiness like a book. I don’t think she liked women, tho I’d been told she did by other women.
Nellie **** [in her interest I don’t give her initials, for I hear she is alive and a respectable married woman] was shortish, plump, and with small but beautiful breasts. She was rather knock-kneed — her cunt was pretty and had but little hair on it.
On the second night, I amused myself with putting my stiff prick first into one and then into the other woman, to see which cunt was the tightest. — I didn’t thrust, but inserted it and let it feel its way about when up them. Nellie was certainly the tightest, and I told Liz so whilst my prick was in her. I was beginning to feel much pleasure just at that moment, and going to withdraw, so as to give my libation to Nellie’s cunt, when Liz grasped me tightly to her, twisted her legs round mine, and squeezing her cunt up to me, gripped my prick tightly with it and fetched me. “Now you may fuck Nellie,” said she, and turned her bum towards me. — Women who give themselves up to sexual pleasure have infinitely more enjoyment of life for a time than virtuous women have.
Again I went to my stock brokers, and called on Bertha, who was at first much pleased to see me, then of a sudden was cool. Had I been out of town. “Yes, to Paris.” — “Nice games you have been up to there, I expect.” (All women think Paris a sink of debauchery.) — “Not many, but I’ve had my hand up a shop woman’s petticoats.” — “I don’t believe you — where?” said Bertha anxiously. “At a glovers, in a little room at the back of the shop. She fitted on my gloves, I was sitting down, she standing up, and I put my hands up them, both back and front.” — “I don’t believe you.” — “It’s true.” — “She’s a beast,” — said Bertha angrily, and turned her back to me.
Now this happened to be a fact, and I gave the young woman three francs, and the next day bought another pair to get the same amusement. — If she got as much from each man whose goves she fitted on in the course of the day, she made a good income. — Taken with a letch for her, at night I fucked the damsel at an accommodations house, but finding her a common place, so-so in shape, large, and ugly cunted and a somewhat faded and fucked out sort of bitch, tho she had a pleasing face,
I never had her again. But I couldn’t make Bertha believe what I told her. She thought that my tale about the feeling (I didn’t tell her about my entry up the woman) was a narrative in-vented to induce her to let me do the same with her. I heard that afterwards.
As I was going, “When are you coming to dine with me?” — I said jokingly, not meaning it as an invitation, for I had given up all idea of getting her. — “Whenever you ask me if I can get away,” she replied. Amazed, I named day after day till one suited. Off I went rejoicing, and wondering who she’d dined with before; feeling now sure that she’d had the male persuader in her vitals, and that she had some sweetheart whom she met at times. The day came. I went to the city to see if there was any obstacle. She would be there. — “And mind, — I’ve told you what you ask me for, and it’s no use” — were her last words as I went off. I took a bed and sitting rooms for the night, at * * * * * hotel, where I’ve had many a dinner with women before, and at seven o’clock we were at table.
I had kept myself chaste since the dinner had been arranged, and my prick was in very stalwart state, yet I felt uncertain about Bertha’s compliance. Her manner was so unusual, her freedom of talk, the way she let men kiss and chaff her, had told me she knew quite well what I wanted, but mightn’t let me have it. — Indeed she did and said all with an air of freedom, and yet modesty, unlike any other woman I have met in such condition. She eat well, but with an air as if thinking of something else all the while. When I began talking suggestively she remarked, — “Ah! I expected you to go on like that” — for a time this quite disconcerted me.
Dinner over, we sat on the sofa. I began warm talk, she told me to be quiet, and wouldn’t hear it, and got up to go whenever I attempted a liberty. She listened to and questioned me on my stories about women when not told in free language, but got angry at plain words. Then all at once she asked me to take her to the Argyle rooms, she’d never been there, wanted much to see what it was like, and how the gay women behaved. — I told her she might meet there men who knew her, and what would they think of her. She produced a thick veil, and said she had both bonnet and mantle that no one had seen. I refused. — “You say you love me, and won’t do that simple thing.” — “Let me feel your legs just to your knees then.” — She wouldn’t. — At length I took her to the Argyle. She had evidently come to dine with me with no other object.
She sat for nearly an hour closely veiled, and scarcely uttering a word — Women looked at her as did men, but I think no one recognized her. A couple of lovely harlots whom I knew talked to me. — When was I going to sleep with her again? one asked. — The other wondered where I’d been. — “I’m engaged to night.”
— “Oh I didn’t see,” — said she, moving off, and looking at my companion, who then said she must go home
— I would see her home. — Well she didn’t object, she wasn’t ashamed of her home, and in a four wheeled cab we went off.
In the cab, she got talkative about gay women. What money did they get? was it agreed, before men went home with them? and so on. “You know two, it seems, and how many more.” — “Twenty perhaps.” — “Story.” — “I do, and have slept with every one of them.” — In the dark, and as she couldn’t escape me, I let go the bridle of my tongue, said I’d fucked them, described their cunts and other charms. To which she remarked. “You don’t get me in a cab with you again.
— No, I don’t dine with you again,” but said not a word more. Then my lust roused me fiercely, I tried to feel her, and got my hand half way up her thigh, but no further. — There, stout resistance and tears stopped me. We dismissed the cab at the end of the street. I saw her nearly to her house, but at her request, as her brother might come out or be going home, I left her there. I took the number of her house and watched her enter it.
That district of London was but little known to me, but I knew that five or ten shillings there, would go as far with women as a sovereign or two further west: and that all the fine handsome women of London are not within a mile of Charing Cross, and also knew that the West End whores mostly come from the east, when London born. Lewed to my marrow, and disappointed, I found my way to the main road, saw plenty of convenient creatures in simple attire, and offered a shilling to one to feel her cunt in a bye street, which she amazed me by refusing. “No, not for two shillings.” She wouldn’t be felt in the streets at all, give her five shillings and I might have her. Yet hundreds of women’s cunts I have felt for a shilling and in the best parts of London. Further on I found one or two who were more complacent. A third woman I took into a public house to look at her, giving her a glass of liquor. It was to see her face. She was ugly and worn out, and I left her there. All was done in twenty minutes from the time I left Bertha at her house.
Then, perhaps because the woman had refused my fingerings in the street, I took a fancy to have her, went back, and there she was, standing at exactly the same spot. — “Yes” — she’d her own room, there was a house close by with a good room for two shillings if I preferred it, it was best to go there. I went to her room, and found it neat, clean, and comfortable. She undressed when I asked her without speaking, whilst I sat looking at her. Her linen was clean and neat and she was a well formed young woman of three or four and twenty, dark haired, and with but slight hair on her cunt. — In five minutes her cunt was a pond of sperm, which I had hoped to put into Bertha. She washed it, and I began talking. She didn’t like being felt in the streets she said, she hadn’t cheek, she should have it in time, the women said. — “Then you haven’t been gay long.” — “A month ago I was in service.” — She didn’t like gay life, she didn’t seem to get on at all, and should try to get into service again.
She had half dressed when I said I should like to do it again. “I hope you’ll give me a little more, then.” — I doubled the fee. — “There it is, my dear — now let me look at your cunt.” In my impatience for her pleasure, I had before scarcely seen it. After inspection, I laid down by her side, fingering it and talking. She was in a service at * * * *, about two miles off. She gave name and place with seeming exactitude. The son of her mistress did it to her first, and only two months ago, she didn’t know how she came to let him, he was always after her, trying to feel her and showing his thing.
One day, his mother being out, she let him have her. She supposed she liked him and perhaps she wanted it, or something, for somehow it was all over before she knew what she was about. She was astonished at her- self. She was the only servant, and he the only child. This all seems very natural to me now, for some of the women I have had the first of yielded, I believe, with-out intention. — Liking, kindness, and lewedness at the moment, made them yield to me.
Then she couldn’t keep him away from her. When at home, (he had some occupation out), he was always at her, and she was frightened when he and his mother were both at home. She was foolish enough to let him go to her bed at night, and the mother caught them there together and fast asleep. — Out she was turned next morning without a character. The son came to see her now, and gave her all he could, she believed, but he was only nineteen, and his mother half kept him. “Don’t make a noise please, I’m the only woman in the house. I knew them before I came, and they let me the room as a servant out of place, I didn’t go on the streets till I’d spent all my money. — They know now what I do, but won’t turn me out as long as no one comes to me in the day, and I don’t bring men home if I can help.” It was a little tradesman’s shop with three or four rooms over. This accounted for the room looking so different from the ordinary harlot’s chamber, with its ragged, disorderly furniture, and trumpery ornaments.
The story interested me, it seemed quite likely, and was like a page out my own history in my youth. How I then managed to get into our servants has sometimes astonished me. “The fact is you wanted fucking and let him.” — Then, as I had twiddled her cunt about, I began to want to enter it, and had made her also want it as well, for she handled my prick and in a whisper, “Do it to me.” — “Do you want it?” — “Yes.” — Next minute our backsides were in motion, and we spent together. — “I’ve a good mind to sleep with you” — “I wish you could, but they won’t have it here.” — Then I departed.
There was something about this woman that so pleased me that I wrote to her, naming the time, and went to her place two days afterwards. She met me outside the house. She had told me her name, which I found also was written in big letters inside the lid of her box. She’d had one man if lucky each night, she told me, not more, “But I scarcely get enough to live.” Yes, she spent with them — “Thinking about it makes you want to do it, but I wish I were dead.” — “Let’s get into bed together.” — “If you like, but the sheets are not very clean, tho nobody’s been in them but my- self, and I wash myself all over every day.” We stripped, and I fucked her three times. She was getting thin, she thought, thro fretting, but she was in very nice condition. She enjoyed my prick, which added to my pleasure, and I heard a lot more of her history, of her misery the first night she was turned out, and so on. I told her I should know by a careful look at her cunt if she’d been fucked longer than two months. “Two months and a fortnight ago I was a virgin, you may look as long as you like.”
I did, and am quite sure she hadn’t been fucked long. I’ve had I can’t say exactly how many virgins, tho I’ve written an account of all of them, but think a dozen and more, and have seen all their cunts after their defloration and some of them before. Certainly this woman’s cunt looked as if it had been not long split, for the jagged edges were quite visible. I wished her to go home to her relatives, and gave her three pounds to go with. She said she would, and I think she did. I advised her to write from her home for a situation, and say she had never been in London.
I didn’t go near Bertha for some days, feeling annoyed, and then took a fancy to watch her home from the shop, expecting she would go elsewhere; but for two nights she went straight and quickly home. Then I called at the shop again. “Oh,” said she, “I thought you were lost.” — Determined to tell her I had been with women, I began. — “I don’t want to hear about your doings, tell them to some one else.” — I had a long conversation, in which I reminded her (people coming and interrupting frequently) of what I’d said, and done in the cab; to all of which she objected. — “You only came to dinner to get me to take you to the Argyle.” — “What of that? I knew what you wanted me to dine for.”
I left irritated with the young woman, yet with a stronger desire to have her than before, and a half be-lief that I was wrong in my estimate of her virtue. — That belief became much strengthened by going to the other shop, seeing the mistress there, speaking slightingly of Bertha’s virtue, and getting a smart reply, that there wasn’t a more virtuous, respectable girl in London, and that all her family were. “Aye — ye may talk, and chaff, but that’s all the fun you’ll get out of Bertha.”
I lived my usual life for a week, then went to Bertha’s shop, and two nights after she again dined with me. Now I made all sorts of extravagant promises to induce her to sleep with me. I no longer minced the matter. — After what I had done and said previously in the cab, no modesty was needed. She took scarcely any notice of what I said — seemed not to hear it, sat reflecting, and then all at once, stroking my face with her hand, begged me to take her to the Argyle again, she would go away if I did not. — Immensely against my will, I took her there. She sat as before with veil down, completely hiding her features for a full hour, quite taciturn. Then suddenly she turned to me and with a shudder. “Let us go away — I’ve a horrible presentiment that one day I shall become one of these women,” and she almost dragged me out of the building.
“Come and have another glass of wine, you need not get back for an hour or more.” “Very well,” said she in a voice almost inaudible. — At a tavern she gulped down a glass quickly. — Outside I said, “Come with me, have pity on me, I love you so,” and with her arm in mine I led her in the direction of a baudy house. “That’s not the way home,” said she, stopping. — I hailed a cab, determined to risk everything. I saw the girl liked me, and began, as I thought, to like her more than I cared to own to myself — or was it mere lust? Telling where to drive to, I put my arms round her the instant the cab moved and got my fingers on her slit; for an instant she struggled, and then was silent whilst I titillated her clitoris and besought her to let me have her, in the salacious words which come naturally to me when so placed, and I suppose to most men, when lust is powerful in them.
[She was a girl of great self possession, none ever knew better what she was about. In after years she shewed this under difficult circumstances, and that she was a true honest woman. — Lustful she was not, and the only reason I can assign for what followed is that she had an affection for me, and believed the promises I made her under the influence of lust, of a stong desire to have her, and no great belief in her virtue: promises I did not, could not, keep, and was punished for it.]
I stopped the cab at the end of the street, and, taking my arm, she walked quietly with me to the house. From the time I commenced frigging her to the time when the room door closed, she never uttered a word. — Now she looked round the room, then despairingly at me and said, “It’s a Brothel, I shall come to be one of those women.” — It was said in a quiet tone, as if she had made up her mind to courses which would ensure her being one. [She never was.]
Without a word she gave herself up to me. She only winced when I put my hands up her clothes, and when I put one down her bosom, but she never spoke. De-lighted, excited yet staggered with her submission, I uttered words of love and desire. “Let me take off your frock.” — She did, but never spoke. She hesitated when I said, “Get on the bed now, love,” but she got on tranquilly, like one doing penance and absorbed in thought. I had but loosened my trowsers, and thrown off my coat, fearing some sudden interruption, and as she got on the bed I did. Kissing her, I put my hand upon her cunt and tried to have a look at it. Then she sighed. “Ohoo — no — no, don’t.” Then instantly I threw my body on to hers, her thighs opened easily to me, and the next minute I was shed- ding my testicular emulsion into her. She lay quiet, with eyes closed and head turned on one side on the pillow. — My prick seemed to be stopped for a second by a barrier as I thrust at first, and then went up her rapidly, and as I came to my senses after my sexual paroxysm, my first idea was that she’d been fucked before.
As my prick came out, and I moved away, she lay with eyes closed and motionless, but with one hand pushed her clothes down over her cunt, and to all my endearments and questions and talk made no reply. I felt her cunt and looked at my hand, but no signs of bleeding was mixed with my semen. Almost directly I mounted her and fucked again, watching her now, waiting for her signs of pleasure. She shewed none till, just as my prick stiffened to the full and a premonitary throb of pleasure shot through it, I felt her cunt tightening round it. A few sharp, almost inaudible sighs escaped her, and she spent just as my spermatic emission wetted her cunt again.
I felt round my prick stem when its stiffness was subsiding, and dragging out the sperm with it, I covered her cunt with my hand, and withdrew it coated with our mixed mucous, but there were no sanguinary evidences of virginity.
She rose as quickly as I did, and began putting on her bonnet in haste. — “Wash, dear.” — “I must get home as fast as I can.” — “But wash first.” She never looked me in the face, as I placed a basin by the side of the bed and turned away, respecting her modesty. In five minutes we were in a cab on the way home. She would scarcely speak, but she let me feel her cunt now, that cunt of which I had never seen but the mount, and for an instant only, as I moved from off her belly. She wouldn’t say if she would meet me again or not, and was determinedly taciturn, even when we parted.
Next day I went to the shop. She had written to say she was ill, the shopkeeper told me so, and she was away for a week. I went every day to see if she had returned, tho I did not go into the shop to ascertain that. At length I saw her. She was as collected as ever; indeed, I never saw any sign of agitation in her at any time, or afterwards at critical periods. She at once agreed to dine with me, and when she did, I saw afterwards all her charms. Curiously I looked at her cunt, there was no hesitation in her letting me see it, and I couldn’t make out from its look whether she was virgin a week before or not, and it was two or three months before I ventured to suggest that a prick had entered her before mine. — I never was quite quite sure whether one had or not, but think not.
[Here I break off purposely. I have given her a name not even phonetically resembling her own, and have avoided giving such description of her as would lead to identification. For the same reason I burn the rest of my narrative relating to her. The liaison so began, was fruitful in events which both regret, and the consequences of which affect me still. She is still living.]